VERBAL ABUSE @John_Branyan

Recently, my wife asked me to run an errand.She asked me to, “Pop over to the pharmacy to pick up dad’s prescription. ”This presented a dilemma. I’ve no idea how to ‘pop’ anywhere. My wife is a no-nonsense kind of gal. She wouldn’t mind if I drove to the pharmacy. As long as the task was accomplished, she wouldn’t fuss about the details.

However…That assignment made me realize something. I’ve been victimized by verbs. It’s been going on for many years by many different people. All of them women. Women are tricky. They ask for long, labor-intensive favors using quick sounding verbs.

For example…“Come with me. I’m gonna dash out and get a couple of new outfits.” ‘Dash’ implies that the process will be done in haste. Like we’re going to literally run through the store, flinging outfits into the cart. She’s not even going to try them on! Yelling over her shoulder at me, “It doesn’t matter if they fit perfectly!” Another example, this from my grandmother: “Hop outside and mow the yard.” Grandma’s yard was 3 acres of landscaped hillside. A team of gardeners with rocket powered Lawnboys would need an afternoon to mow it. Grandma thought I could do it in a single ‘hop’.Sometimes I was encouraged to undertake tasks by swinging. “Swing by and visit your Aunt Velda.” It was a 45 minute drive to Velda’s house. Swinging would take even longer. I had an algebra teacher that assured me I could “knock-out” a page of homework in a few minutes. Mom used to insist that my room could be cleaned by merely “scooting” upstairs. 

So it’s a girl thing, I think. And it’s kind of charming. It makes me smile when my beloved wife asks, “Do you have a quick second?” A “quick” second… A second that’s faster than a second? “Sure,” I respond. “What do you need?” “Can you pop the freezer up out of the basement?”

For more humorous moments with @John_Branyan see him live on the Date Night Comedy Tour coming to Florida Oct 2-4. To Register go to

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